If I was asked to share a story of a major turning point in my walk with Christ, I would point to one of four decisions I have made in my life.
I could talk of the day in November of 2014 when I finally realized my desire for a relationship with Jesus.
Maybe I would talk about the journey I took in going public with that relationship and ultimately the day I chose baptism in November of 2018.
I might even talk about the summer of 2019 when I spent 10 weeks away from my family in the middle of nowhere Kentucky.
However, I could also talk about a day not so long ago.
January 1st, 2020.
I mark this as such an important day in my walk with Jesus because this is the day I finally vowed to chose freedom before anything else.
As such, I have actively chosen to live freely in Christ for the past 223 days, but what has that looked like?
Well, it looks like so many different things in my life.
Most importantly, I have started to embrace and love the person I am despite my shortcomings, mistakes, and imperfections. This has been a struggle of mine for years as I have always felt like an outcast among peers, friends, and even family.
I have felt as if there is no one that truly understands who I am.
I have seen myself as ”different,” and it’s not been in a good way.
Simply put, I’ve been unhappy with who I am for so long.
These feelings, in turn, have caused a lack of self-confidence relationally, academically, athletically, and, at times, even spiritually.
These struggles are things I’ve needed to deal with for years; however, they’re also things I’ve only recently truly began working through.
With this in mind, the past 8 months have taught me so much.
In truly living in the freedom Christ gave me so many years ago, I’m learning that my worth isn’t in my academics, my athletics, my leadership abilities, and it is most definitely not in another person.
I’m worthy, and I’m worth my life simply because Christ says so. There is nothing I can ever do to “earn” my life or the blessings I have been given, and that is okay because I am so loved even still. I mean, the God of the entire galaxy has His eyes set upon me despite all of the darkness and hatred I have spewed over the course of my short life.
He freely gives grace and mercy and peace and love to me despite the countless times I have rejected Him.
He gives His whole self to me.
That’s something so amazing that it’s impossible to truly comprehend with my limited mindset, but it is something I continue striving to understand even still.
In chasing after the freedom and peace Christ awards, I have learned Jesus doesn’t give a spirit of fear or anxiety, and if He didn’t give it, I do not have to keep it.
This has been such a crucial lesson for me at this point in my life as I struggle a lot when I don’t feel a sense of control. With that being said, I haven’t had much control over recent events in the world, this county, or even my life. With this loss of control in nearly every area of life, the Madison of last year would have been in an internal panic by now. The Madison of today isn't.
I am not in a panic because I’ve spent months focusing on and learning how to give the control I so desperately want over to Jesus. It's because of this that, through this season, I’ve been able to disregard my fears and worries as they creep in.
I know that I have no reason to worry about an outcome Jesus already has written into history.
It's this kind of mindset I’m trying to carry into all aspects of my life as there’s a lot of things I find myself stressing about right now.
One of the biggest stressors in my life is the fact that I’m two years away from a bachelor’s degree. That impending degree means it’s really time for me to start building my own life. I have to start making decisions about starting a career and what kind of path I want to take.
The realization that my "adult life" is starting so soon brings so many questions to mind.
How am I going to achieve being a successful and impactful young leader in my community?
Will people take me seriously?
What does success truly look like to me?
Am I really cut out to be a leader that makes a difference?
What kind of career am I supposed to pursue?
Is Jesus leading me in this direction, or is this only based on what I want?
These are all questions my prayers are filled with because I crave the answers I do not yet have, but the cool thing is despite how much I want the answers, I don’t need them.
Jesus has the answers, and He’s going to give them to me in due time.
There’s no need for me to spend so much of my life worrying away the blessings I have right now in fear of what may come in the future.
I’m learning that and so many other things.
I’m learning that I don’t need control.
I’m learning that any anxiety or stress I struggle with doesn’t have to define me.
It shouldn’t define me.
I’m learning I don’t have to keep any of the things Jesus didn’t give me whether that’s insecurities, past hurts, worries, or fears.
I’m learning that who I am in Christ is far more important than anyone else’s opinion of me even when that opinion is my own.
Frankly, I’m learning how to love my whole self just as I am.
Before now, no one had ever shown me how to love my whole self, and I hadn't yet figured it out on my own. It's something I am still learning how to do, but in learning it myself, I am discovering how important it is that we all learn to love our whole selves just as we are.
I know we all have excuses for not loving every bit of who we are because, in my experience, we are always our own worst critics. I know we have all been broken and beat down in our own ways. I know everyone is holding onto their one hurt that they don't know how to move past yet so desperately want to. I know we all struggle with our own fears. I know sometimes it feels easier to hide from our hurt than to face it head on, but sweet child of God I promise facing it head on will save you so much hurt and heartache in the long run.
As children of an almighty, perfect God we must learn how to love who we are as we are because there is no mistake in you and there is no mistake in me. A perfect God simply does not make mistakes, and until we start living our lives in a way that shows we believe this, we are not only limiting ourselves, but we are putting a limit on God and His goodness.
My hope is that we all make it a point to stop putting limits on our limitless God so that one day we might all learn to love our whole selves as we live freely in Christ.
Sincerely,
Mads
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