Wow…It’s hard for me to accept that it’s been almost a year since I posted here. There’s so much that has happened in my life in the past ten months. It’s hard to know where to start. There’s simply so many stories I have to share, both of personal growth and of deep heartache.
If I’m honest with myself, there’s not an aspect of my life that has gone completely untouched over the past (almost) year. The question I have posed to myself now is where do I even begin to start sharing….
I could tell the story of how an allergic reaction sent me on a downhill spiral. I could tell you of the panic attacks I endured, the fears I had to face, and the handful of medicine I continue to take on a daily basis as a result of those horrendous two months last spring.
I could detail my breaking point last March and how it finally put me on the right path when it comes to taking care of my mental health. I could tell you about the sleeping pills I was prescribed for awhile. (I could tell you how much I hated them too.) I could tell you about how I finally started antidepressants after knowing for myself that something wasn’t right for years. I could tell you how amazing it felt, and continues to feel, to be validated in that struggle. I could also tell you how much happier I am nearly a year into that medication.
I could talk for hours about how much I love my job and how I know without any doubt I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I could attempt to explain all the struggles I have endured as I do my best to love the kids I get to lead daily. I could even go on and on listing a countless number of successes I’ve been a part of since transitioning to this site last May.
I could pour out the never ending emotions I am processing as I walk through my last semester of college. I could write of all the pressure and expectations I feel weighing heavily on me. I could tell of the excitement, the anxiety, and the sense of peace I feel all at the same time knowing this phase of my life is coming to an end with a new phase quickly approaching.
However, while I have so many stories to share and so many lessons that I’ve learned as a result of those things and so many more, none of them are worthy of this first post in so many months.
I’ve struggled a lot with determining what IS worthy of this post. The further removed I found myself from my previous post the more pressure I put on myself for this one to really convey my heart to whoever it is that chooses to read it.
With that, I have settled on one of the most difficult things I’ve been processing and learning how to do well in the past months - relationships. Specifically, what relationships are supposed to look like in the context of someone that claims to love Jesus. There’s so much that goes into all that I am discovering about this and what it means to do them well both for myself and for the people that mean the most to me in my life.
So, what does doing relationships with others well really look like?
I truly don’t think it’s a question that I am in a position to answer with much authority right now, so I strongly encourage anyone reading to take my words on this topic with a grain of salt. I am simply one person trying to determine what it means practically for me to live a life that honors who I am in Christ as well as one that simultaneously honors the people I have the privilege of coming into contact with each day. Nevertheless, it has been on my heart to share just a few of the things I am learning about how to honor myself, others, and Christ in the relationships I have the opportunity to grow in, regardless of the nature of said relationship.
Keeping these things in mind, I’m learning that in order to sustain any type of relationship there has to be a standard of mutual respect for one another. While this may seem like common sense, practically, this can be extremely hard. I am someone that wants to love people in the best possible way that I can, even when that person may not reciprocate that attitude. Prior to intentionally taking the time to determine what I believe a healthy relationship should consist of, I allowed myself to be someone that was an emotional punching bag for some of the people I cared most about. I wanted the approval, the love, and the acceptance I thought it would provide me if I took on the emotional weight of their burdens. The unsurprising truth in this scenario is I didn’t receive any of those things in the ways that I wanted them. I found myself taking on more and more of other peoples’ pain to the point that I was no longer processing my own. This has led to a lot of turmoil within myself as there’s an endless list of things I need to be dedicating my time to in order to become a better version of myself. Surprise, surprise - nothing on that list includes being a punching bag for others, regardless of how much love I have for them.
This realization hit me like a train. How was I supposed to set those boundaries when I had spent so long begging for love, approval, and acceptance in this way? This is a question I wrestled with for months because I had thought for so long that, in order to love people well, I had to be emotionally available to them at all times. I had this false belief in my head that being unable to carry another’s burdens somehow made me selfish. If I’m honest, it’s a belief I continue to struggle with; however, I’m continually coming to the conclusion that this is not always the case.
If I am to love people well, I have to be my first priority. I can not continue to run on empty because “that’s what a Christian is supposed to do” when, frankly, that is not even a Biblically based claim. Tell me where in the Bible it says a Christian is to give without replenishing themselves? Show me where it says a Christian is to go full speed 100% of the time? Show me where we, as Christians, are told not to rest? This list could go on and on, and I could even give a countless number of personal examples of being told these things in my own life. If we were to get really honest, I would say that the majority of people who claim to be a part of mainstream Christianity in the United States have encountered some form of these claims, and that makes me so incredibly angry.
This claim has been the source of so much heartache for me and my walk with Christ. I was under the assumption for so long that my well being was irrelevant in my faith. I had all of these ideas of what a Christian “should do” when, in reality, the only thing that I can say with complete confidence that a Christian “should do” is love like Jesus. Is this something that we, as individuals who claim to follow Christ, are really doing in our everyday lives? I would say, as a whole, we are not.
So many Christians use Jesus and the Bible to hurt, discredit, invalidate, and diminish the lived experiences and identities of another person because they do not like it. I am confident that the Jesus I know and have a relationship with is not one that invalidates another human. In fact, I am certain my Jesus is one that offers love and acceptance to all individuals - even the ones mainstream Christianity wants to shove under a rug to ignore, or, even worse, try to change because “that’s what a Christian is supposed to do.”
Changing people is in no way the call of a Christian. That is something only Christ can do IF it is something He desires for that person. If my (or anyone else’s) heart, identity, experiences, relationships, sexuality, beliefs, hurt, family, career path, ANYTHING needed to be changed, I know it is something the Jesus I know would make so incredibly clear. I also know it is something He would walk beside me in because I am finally pursuing my Savior, for myself, with an open-mind and my whole heart. However, I want to make one question undeniably clear - is it so wrong to simply accept that we are perfect as we are?
I don't think so. Yes, Christ can change anything about anyone, but how often is that really His goal? I think more than anything Christ uses our experiences, identities, stories, etc. to bring glory to who He is. We are all uniquely situated in our own way to love other people and share Christ because of the people we have intentionally been created to be. What gives me, or anyone, the right to assume there is something inherently wrong with the things I have been allowed to experience and the person Christ has created me to be? I would say the answer to that question is that I do not have that right. I have been intentionally created just as I am, and that is a wonderful thing even when parts of me makes others uncomfortable.
This is something I have had to come to terms with, and am still working through, over the last ten months. I have had to do A LOT of deconstructing and deciding what I actually believe when it comes to my faith - specifically in the context of doing relationships. I have challenged myself to analyze the things that have been ingrained in me I have never really taken the time to think about. In doing this, there were so many times that I have come to the conclusion that my attitude, actions, and mindset did not align with the person I am intended to be in Christ. Many of the things I was doing and attitudes I held did not honor the person I know myself to be, and they surely did not honor nor reflect the love of Christ.
If I am to honor Christ, myself, and others in the relationships I am a part of, I have to know how to love others the way Christ does. Yes, this is easier said than done; however, there are so many layers to this that I am finally learning and implementing in my own life. I am learning that loving like Christ means flipping the tables of oppression evident in every aspect of my life. Loving like Christ means taking care of and validating myself. Loving like Christ means affirming the identities and experiences of others. Loving like Christ means setting healthy boundaries and resting. Loving like Christ means being intentional with the people I care about. Loving like Christ means offering grace and forgiveness to those that have hurt me…but it does not mean they have to be in my life anymore. Jesus loves the people that hurt me; however, He does not ask me to stay in situations, friendships, relationships, etc. that cause me pain because, sometimes, loving like Jesus means loving from afar. That is okay. Not everyone was a part of Jesus’ inner circle, and not everyone has to be a part of mine.
This is something I am finally coming to terms with. Losing people hurts. Friendships that were once your rock no longer being a part of your life is a pain I do not wish on anyone. However, I know that I have the right people in my life for this season. I am redefining who I am as a person which is an incredibly difficult phase to be in. However, I am finding people that do relationships well. I have people who are honest in my life. I have people who genuinely care about me. I have people ahead of me who are guiding me as well as people I am leading. It’s such a unique and difficult position to be in…but one I absolutely would not trade for the world.
I am finally learning to love and do relationships well, and it is so incredibly rewarding.
Sincerely,
Mads
Comments